


I'm gonna make you proud

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 18 year old sam, 26 year old dean, Angry Dean, Angry Sam, Dean Smokes, Depressed Dean, Depression, Emotionally Hurt Sam, Flashbacks, Gen, Human Ruby, Hurt Dean Winchester, Letters, Older Dean, Overprotective Dean, Protective Ruby, Regretful Dean, Sad, Sad Dean, Sad Ending, Sad Sam, Sam Leaves for Stanford, Sam Winchester at Stanford, Samulet, Self-Harm, Stressed Dean, dean rejects sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-03
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-06 04:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6738223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam gets his acceptance letter from Stanford but keeps it as a secret..<br/>Until Dean finds it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm gonna make you proud

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this got sad.. pretty quickly. Oops.  
> I would appreciate all the feedback you can give me so..  
> enjoy

It was obviously clear that he was hiding something from him but Dean never thought that it would be this big. 

Meet Dean Winchester. A rich 26 year old American. His father abandoned him and his younger brother Sam at a very young age and their mother died when he was 18. He had been alone since. Luckily his family was rich and he inherited some money from his mother so he could look after Sammy as best as be could. It had been his job ever since. 

Dean didn't have a bright childhood, so he was trying to raise Sammy differently. He got him private teachers so that he could be homeschooled until he was done with all the education including college stuff. He didn't want Sammy to leave his side so he tried his best to hire the famous teachers who were the bests in their profession.  
It was a sunny afternoon, beautiful Florida weather when Dean was rearranging stuff in the house. Sammy was in the living room, playing games on his Xbox as always. He was 18 years old but looked much younger and sometimes acted as if he was 15.. It bothered Dean that Sammy wouldn't talk to him as much as he used to, he wouldn't join him in his meals and wouldn't look him in the eye when he asked if something was wrong. There was something he was hiding but Dean didn't want to pressure his brother into confessing the secret he kept because he would find it out soon anyway. While he was cleaning Sammy's room (god why did he always have to be so messy?) an envelope caught his attention. It was his personal so Dean didn't really want to see what was inside but something, a feeling, in him made him take out  
the smooth paper inside the envelope. He slowly opened and started to read it.

“Stanford University  
March 2015  
Dear Sam,  
Congratulations! It is with great pleasure that I offer you admission to the Stanford University Class of 2015.  
Your thoughtful application and remarkable accomplishments convinced us that you have the intellectual energy, imagination and talent to flourish at Stanford. Among the over 20,000 applications we read, your distinguished record of academic excellence and personal achievement stood out. We are thrilled to welcome you to the Stanford community and look forward to the unique and extraordinary contributions we know you will make to the intellectual and extracurricular life of our campus.  
The exciting next step is now yours. As Stanford is probably only one of several options you will consider in the coming weeks, I hope you will use the time to learn more about us. We invite you to participate in Admit Weekend 2015, a three-day program that will introduce you to the intellectual vibrancy and dynamic campus life that define Stanford. Information about that event is enclosed. Whatever decision you make, we ask that you complete the enclosed enrollment response card and return it to us by the postmark deadline of May 2, 2015. Should you decide to matriculate at Stanford — and we sincerely hope you do — we will send enrollment information to you in late May.  
While we have every reason to believe you will complete this school year successfully, remember that your admission is contingent upon your continued strong academic performance in the program you presented to us in your application.  
Once again, I extend my congratulations on your admission to Stanford and welcome you to the Stanford family.  
Sincerely,  
Director of Admission”

Dean was shocked. He literally didn't know what to think. Should he be sad? Angry? Disappointed? He put the paper back into the envelope, closed it and walked towards the living room.  
"Mind explaining this to me?" Dean stood in front of Sam and slowly threw the envelope towards him. Sam was shocked, he looked at Dean and looked back down.  
"I should probably rephrase my question. Did you even plan on telling me?"  
"Dean. Listen this.. This is my future."  
"Oh so you're not happy with the life I gave you?"  
"Dean! It's not that. I swear. It's just..-"

Sam paused for a minute, took a deep breath and looked into Dean's eyes. "I know you want the best for me. This is the best for me. Please Dean. I know you got me the best teachers anyone could ever get but I'm 18 now.. It's time that we.."  
"That you turn your back to me? Just walk out and pretend that I never existed?"  
"No! Listen for a second will you?! I'm sorry. For everything, Dean." Sam's eyes were now filled with unshed tears. "You did the best you could and I'm so grateful for that. Really. But now I should get the education I want."

Dean tried to hold himself back from crying but after everything that Sam had said, it was impossible to hold back the tears. He didn't want to consider the chance of Sam leaving him alone because he was the only family he had. College would definitely turn Sam into a different person and he would forget about Dean. He shook his thoughts away from his head. "Sammy please. Stay with me please."

"Dean I'm sorry that you had to find it out like this.. But I'm going to be happier this way. Don't you want me to be happy?"  
"I do.. But..-" he was cut off by Sam before he could explain.  
"Then let me go! Listen you're my brother and you are overprotective, I truly understand but I'm 18 now Dean! Don't you think I have a say on my life now? I'm sorry to break it out to you but I'm not the pathetic little boy who was whining for your help all the time now!" 

Sam didn't even realize that he was shouting now. And Dean? Well he was fairly taken aback by the words that came out of Sam's mouth. He didn't expect Sam to say that.. Really. 

"Alright. Go then. But if you walk out of that door.. Don't you ever come back again!" And Dean was gone. He went upstairs straight to his room, slammed the door shut and locked it. Sam was crying now and he didn't know what to do. He was going to be rejected by his brother if he followed his dreams.. No. He didn't want that. But he also didn't want to miss the chance of attending Stanford. He had plenty of time to think so he went to his room and tried to get away from his thoughts.  
Dean was sobbing in his room and trying to calm down. He clearly had anger management problems and that caused lots of trouble when he was younger. Sam actually didn't know much about him. It was 8 years ago.. Sam was 10 and didn't understand much. After their mother's death, Dean tried to reach out to their dad for some help but couldn't find him anywhere. He had to deal with major depression and Sammy was the only thing that kept him away from his will to commit suicide. He would often stay up until late and turn his room into a mess by throwing stuff on his walls, or simply breaking his mirror. There were times when he had woken Sammy up because of the noises he made. He had just punched the 3rd mirror he bought and his hands were bleeding. Sam knocked on the door and asked Dean what was going on. When Dean told him that he just dropped the glass on the floor, Sam just nodded and went back to his room. And there were times when Sam would ask Dean why his hands were bruised, or why he had red lines on his wrists. Dean tried so hard to cover them up, of course, not wanting to sadden his little brother but being the curious thing he was, he sometimes managed to see the cuts and bruises. 

And now, leaning against his heavy, wooden door, he slowly slid down against it and pushed his knees close to his chest. He didn't want those old times back, he didn't want to deal with someone leaving him, again. It was too much for him to take in since not longer than an hour ago, he was all happy. He had been happy for almost 7 years now. He stopped cutting after seeing a therapist when Sam was at home, getting private lessons. And of course the reason was once again his brother. Him being gone scared him even more now. He was afraid of the person he had become 8 years ago. It wasn't the Dean Sammy loved. Becoming him was the last thing Dean wanted. Because that Dean enjoyed the pain he was giving himself. He enjoyed it as he slid the bright razor blade on his skin. He would smile as blood dripped slowly on the tub, at 3am because Dean had to make sure that Sammy was asleep. Sammy had always been his priority. If anything happened to him, Dean would blame himself no matter what. That's why he simply didn't bother sending him to a school. He wanted him close so that he could watch over him at all times.  
"Angels are watching over you." would his mum always say as she kissed Sam good night. 

Dean would watch her from the doorway and smile fondly at his mother. Sam, at that age didn't understand that anyone cannot see an angel but he always asked Dean if he was one. Because Dean was always there as he grew up, no matter what. As Sam grew up though, he became a very successful student. As he was 16, he decided that being a lawyer would make him happy. A lawyer for families because he wanted them to be happy just like he was as he was a kid. Dean smiled at his choice and arranged everything accordingly. At the age of 17, Sam was already reading books about law and studying hard.  
Look where he was now. Dean had to admit. He was proud of him for being accepted to Stanford but still. There was this "overprotective brother" inside him who wanted to make Sam stay. 

Meanwhile Sam was in front of Dean's room, listening closely as Dean sobbed inside. He felt guilt for making his brother sad, but at the same time, he told him not to come back if he left. He softly knocked on the door and waited for an answer. Door was unlocked and opened after a while and Sam let himself in his room. At that  
moment, he stared into Dean's green eyes and he suddenly remembered. 

"Deaaan?"  
"Yeah Sammy?"  
"Why are you wearing a sweater?! It's summer!"  
"I am cold, Sammy. I think I might be sick."  
One night, he heard a shattering noise and woke up. "D-Dean?"  
Sam quickly ran upstairs to Dean's room and ran inside. When he couldn't see Dean in the room, he kind of panicked but then he saw the bathroom light on and knocked on the door. "Dean?"  
It was silent for a moment. Sam tried again. "De?"  
"Y-yeah, Sammy?" The door opened slightly and Dean peaked out. "Is everything okay, Sammy?"  
He nodded. "Heard something and wanted to see if you were alright. What are you doing there?"  
"Oh, I.. I couldn't sleep so I thought I could take a shower. Why don't you go back to sleep?"  
Sam did.  
He had been so foolish by thinking that Dean was anything but depressed. Who could blame him though, he was just 10 then.  
"De?"  
Dean was kind of shocked after hearing the nickname Sam used. He hadn't heard it in years.  
"Hmm?"  
"Are you okay?" Of course he wasn't. Sam mentally slapped himself for asking that.  
"I'm good, Sammy." Dean tried to put on a smile.  
Sam nodded. If Dean didn't want to talk, then Sam would just simply leave.  
"Listen. I'm sorry about what happened earlier."  
"Yeah. Sure. It's alright. I was selfish. Go live the life you want."  
"Really?" Sam's eyes were bright now.  
"Of course, Sammy."  
Sam, being the naïve boy he was, believed Dean, thanked him and left his room.  
"I guess pretending still works out." Dean thought to himself. 

He was a 26 year old with absolutely no social life. He tried to work in some places to bring extra money but he failed because people frustrated him a little bit too soon. So he gave up trying. That was the same with his love life. All the women he dated only wanted sex, and nothing more. Of course Dean wasn't up to it. His education? He dropped out of college as soon as his mother died. Since then, he was focused on protecting Sam at all costs. He dropped his arms by his sides and looked at every single cut on them. They were still pretty obvious for someone to see. Including Sammy. When Dean thought he was old enough, he told him about it, not the whole story though. Just how he encouraged himself to always keep fighting for Sam no matter what and that Sam could come to him at any times if he was feeling down. Dean told him nothing more than that. Sam didn't know that he was once depressed and suicidal but it didn't matter much. It was his past and past was nothing worth remembering. 

One week passed. It was April the second which meant that Sam only had a month to decide. Dean and him wouldn't talk about it. Or let's just say, they wouldn't even talk to each other. Occasionally Dean would come out of his room, telling Sam that he wasn't going to join him in dinner then would go back to his room. He had a small notebook full of his thoughts, scribbles and ideas. Lately, it had been his best friend. It kept all the secrets Dean wrote. All his feelings and how he was doing. Today he grabbed his pen and started with a different phrase:

02.04.2015  
Dear Journal,  
Things aren't in their best state recently. Me and Sam just won't talk and there's only one month left for him to decide. I've been quiet around him, not talking at all unless I need to say something really important. He seems to be okay with it, not asking me anything except the questions about dinner or lunch. I noticed that he hasn't been taking any lessons as well, so I assume he's going to attend Stanford. I'm not holding him back from it, but I'd be happier if he just stayed with me. I'm used to having him around me and I'm scared that he will change in college. He's been more sociable than I ever was so I know that he's going to change. I don't know what to stay to him simply because nothing is going to stop him from leaving everything behind, including me.

Dean threw his pen on the table and reached out for a cigarette. He needed one at the moment. He didn't usually smoke, only when he was stressed so this was the best time for him to smoke. He took out his lighter from his drawer and lighted the cigarette up. He slowly inhaled as much as he could before closing his eyes and exhaling the smoke. He knew that the cigarette was slowly killing him inside but he honestly couldn't care less about it. There was a knock on his door so he put the cigarette down on the ashtray.

"Come in."  
The door opened and Sam walked in. As soon as he took in the smell of the room, his face cringed and he softly coughed. "I thought I was successful on my attempts to get you quit smoking."  
"You were. But they are really helping me now. So."  
"Alright then. Since you are doing things I don't approve, I guess I can now say my final decision."  
Dean picked the cigarette up, inhaled and nodded as he did so.  
"I decided to leave."  
Dean exhaled and sighed. Sam waved his hand quickly on the air as if he was trying to get away from the disgusting smoke of the cigarette.  
"Okay."  
"Okay? Just.. Okay?"  
"What did you expect? For me to kneel before you and beg you not to go? No thanks."  
Sam rolled his eyes. "Quit being a drama queen."  
"Okay. Have a nice trip. Oh and don't forget to work okay? I'm sure as hell you're not getting any money from me."  
"W-what?"  
"You heard me, Sammy!" He inhaled.  
Sam looked down and nodded. "And I guess I shouldn't come back here nor call you, right?"  
"You're a quick learner, Sammy!"  
"D-De please.. Please don't do this to our family please.."  
Dean laughed much to Sam's surprise. "Family? Family Sammy? You are ruining it already! Dad left! Mum left! Now you're leaving. There's no family left. Okay?!"  
Sam stepped back a little. "De.."  
"Don't. Don't call me with my nickname. Get out of my room, pack your stuff and leave the house, Sam. You're not welcomed here anymore." Dean calmly said and leaned back against his chair. 

Sam ran out of his room crying leaving Dean alone. How could Dean say that? He grabbed his luggage and filled it with everything he could think of. Once he was ready, he walked towards the door with a note in his hand. He left it by the door with his necklace and left the house.  
Dean got out of his room walked downstairs and looked for any sign of Sam. He knew him so he knew that Sam would leave something behind him. There was a note by  
the door so he picked it up carelessly and started to read.

Dean,  
You probably see me as a traitor but I'm not. As a child you've always been there for me whenever I needed you, you raised me as best as you could and looked after me. I can't thank you enough for that. Even though you rejected me from being your brother, you're still and will always be my hero. You managed to show me everything I need in my life so thank you, once more. I'm leaving my necklace here, I don't know what you will do with it as soon as you see it but just know that it meant so much to me, okay? If you ever need someone, you can call me anytime you want. I still love you and see you as my brother, my hero despite the things you told me. I will try to work out a way to live alone until I get to the college. I got full scholarship by the way, it wouldn't be possible if you didn't choose the best teachers for me, of course. Thank you, for the last time for everything you've done so far. I won't get in touch with you from now on. Goodbye.  
Your brother  
Sam. 

Dean immediately crumpled the paper and threw it across the room. He took the necklace and put it somewhere in the living room where he won't see it much. Anger inside him turned him into someone completely different and honestly he was feeling better. His therapist once told him that if he forgot the pain, he would be calmer. So he tried that and now it was working. He didn't concentrate on the pain much so that it would be soon forgotten. But while doing that, he let his anger took control of him and said those hateful things to Sam. 

One week passed and Dean felt alone. He was about to go crazy because there was this emptiness around the house.. but mostly inside him. He started to regret everything he said to Sam. But there was probably nothing he could do to take them back and bring Sam home. He took another sip from his beer and let the alcohol take the control of him. He didn't usually drink much, just like he smoked.. it mostly happened when he was stressed about something. He didn't have the privilege to get drunk whenever he wanted unlike the other people around his age, since Sammy was around. He went to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like absolute shit. There were bags under his eyes and he seemed to be skinnier than normal. He washed his face and looked at his reflection one more time. "I'm good." He put on another smile and just kept pretending. 

Sam was out in the streets, looking for a place to stay. After living in the luxury Dean provided him, it was hard to live in the streets. He needed some money until he went to college since he needed a plane ticket and other stuff. He started to work in a small coffeeshop, the money he got was okay. He also made some friends there. Ruby was one of them, she seemed nice and let Sam stay at her house until he went to college. Sam was very grateful for finding her. They became close in a short time but he was glad that he had finally found someone other than Dean. Dean. He secretly wondered what he was doing, if he was okay. He knew that he shouldn't worry about him anymore, since he clearly rejected him from his life but Sam couldn't stop thinking about him. He considered calling him a few times but then just simply put his phone down and tried to concentrate on something different than him. Ruby was helpful about it, he told her what happened and since then she had been very protective around him. She was 23 and was living a happy life with his boyfriend. There was a long time in front of him until he went to college so he had to work until then. 

Meanwhile Dean had his phone in hand, debating whether he should call Sam or not. When he finally decided, he dialed his number and waited until he picked up.  
"What do you want?" Wow that was harsher than he expected Sam to be.  
"You said I could call you whenever I want. So I did."  
"Okay. What do you want?"  
"Come home." Dean's voice was now crooked.  
"No."  
"Sam."  
"Dean. No. You clearly don't need me in your life anymore, I have a place to stay so I think we are good."  
"You do? Really?"  
"Yes I do. Why did it shock you so much?"  
"Don't know. Don't care." Dean chuckled.  
"Yeah same Dean. I don't care. Goodbye." Sam hung up.  
"Damn it!" Dean was now furious. He threw his phone on the wall and started to throw everything he could find on the nearest wall. Soon enough, his room was filled with shattered glass and broken pieces of his stuff. As Dean was trying not to step on the broken glass, he found a photo of him, Sam and his mother on the floor. He picked it up and looked at it. It was from Sam's 9th birthday. They all looked so happy and content. He was hugging Sam and his mother was standing behind them, her arms around Dean. 

When it was September, Sam finally had the money he needed so he went to college. Dean was wrecked. He barely ate, all he did was to drink and smoke. At the end of the day he would usually get so drunk that he would start crying and would write in his journal. It was covered in dried tears, blood and little broken glass pieces. He hadn't heard from Sam for a long time so he didn't bother calling him as well. One day though, he decided to do what he had to. He sat on his chair and wrote a long goodbye letter to Sam. Then he put his pen down folded the paper and put it on the table beside his journal. He found his dad's old gun and went back to his room. He took a deep breath, put the gun on his temple and fired it.

Stanford was a new chapter for Sam and it started out well. Sam was happy that he could make friends in his first week because he wasn't used to it. He was exploring the campus as his phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and answered.  
"Hello?"  
"Is this Sam Winchester?" A man spoke from the other line.  
"Yes. Yes that's me."  
"I regret to inform you that your brother committed suicide this evening, Sir."  
"W-wait what?"  
"Dean Winchester, Sir. Your brother ended his life an hour ago. His neighbors heard a gunshot and called the police. He was found dead in his room."  
Sam hung up and dropped his phone. He had to go back. He quickly packed some stuff and got on a taxi to go to the airport. As soon as he was there, he waited for the next plane flying home. It was 2 hours later so he had nothing to do but to wait. He tried to call Dean, thinking that maybe they were joking but he wouldn't answer his phone. He got on the plane and tried to calm himself down. "Dean. Please be alive. Please Dean. Please."  
As soon as the plane finally landed, Sam got a taxi and drove back home. He stormed inside and started yelling for Dean. 

"Dean?! Dean where are you?!" He ran up to his room and looked around. It was empty. He was probably taken to the hospital. As he kept looking around, he saw a note on his desk. He picked it up and started to read.

Heya Sammy,  
If you're reading this now, I'm probably dead. When you left, I immediately regretted everything I told you. We talked on the phone once but you didn't change your mind. I don't blame you though, I hope you're doing alright in Stanford. I'm so proud of you little brother. When you were younger, you would ask me why I wore long sleeve shirts in summer time and I would always make sure that you didn't see my cuts. One day you saw them though. I remember you asking me why I had red long lines on my wrists. I couldn't tell you the truth then, but I guess now you know. I dealt with major depression and the only reason I held on was you, Sammy. With you being gone, I lost my mind. I wasn't the same Dean anymore. I drank every single day until I was drunk then wrote in my journal – you can find it under this note, read it if you want, I honestly don't mind. –  
Don't ever blame yourself for my death, Sammy. It's not your fault, at all. I was selfish by not letting you go but you were right, Stanford was the best for you and I'm pretty sure that you will graduate with a perfect degree. I wish you went there without a fight, I wish you could stay with me until you went away, then we could Skype or something. Things could have been much better, Sammy. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way.  
Stay strong and always keep fighting, Sammy. I'm very proud of you, I'm sure mum would be too. I'm probably in a better place now, with mum. Please be the best you can ever be and make us proud. We will always be watching over you. Just like mum used to say, do you remember Sammy? You used to ask me if I was an angel because I always protected you. Maybe I wasn't but I hope I was a good brother for you. Stay in Stanford, become a lawyer, meet the love of your life, get a family.  
I will see you soon, brother.  
Dean. 

Sam put the letter down and got on his knees. He was sobbing. No this couldn't be true. Dean was gone. No. He had to be alive somewhere, right? He was going to come out from a room and tell him that it was a joke, right?

"Dean?!" He screamed one more time. No one came. He picked up his journal this time. It was covered in blood, so much blood. Some parts were unreadable because of the dried tears. He took the journal and put it in his backpack. He was going to be the person Dean wanted him to be. He had to be strong. Just for him. He also found the necklace beside his bed and put it on.  
"I will make you proud, Dean. I promise."


End file.
